Poetry Analysis

I’ll never be able to watch the shows we started together. Not without thinking of you.

When I think of you I can’t breathe. I’ll never be able to watch the shows we started together. Not without you.

I nap. I think of you. My parents got me a fan. I think of you. The one I asked for. When I thought of you. It looks like the one you sleep with. So I think of you. It’s too damn hot in this room to turn it off.

I called my therapist. Maybe she’ll call me back. I know she can’t.

I tried picking up my guitar But the last time I played it was for you.

I hate this pink Popsocket I got. To remind me of you. I wish I hadn’t.

You fucked me up. Fuck you. Why did you have to do everything on your own terms.

You’re a bitch. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

And I wish I meant it.

I’d take you back in a second.

I wish I could leave it at that. I wish that could be the end of my pain.

I keep thinking I want to die. I know I don’t. I didn’t before you. I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt you like that. I couldn’t tell you. I wouldn’t hurt you like that.

I can’t help but think it’d be easier.

I built my future around you. There is no future.

I hate being here. Everything is black. I can’t find my old paths. I’m stuck. Again. Reset. Why’d you have to tell me you still loved me? Maybe if you hadn’t I’d know which direction to go.

I hate to say it. Again. Fuck you.

Sad. I don’t think I value myself enough to tell you no. To believe I wouldn’t let myself love you again.

I could say it. But I won’t. I wouldn’t mean it anyway. You know I’d hate to lie.

I just want to go home.

Why did you take that with you.

A week. No contact. That’s what you said. Even after I begged.

It’s over. It has to be. I look at the clock. Not even 24 hours. Why is everything on your own damn terms.

I wish you’d loved me like I love you. I wish you’d let me hurt you. It’s not on purpose.

Maybe it’s on purpose. Maybe. For you. I don’t want to believe that.

I asked you if you still wanted to marry me. You said no.

Today on Instagram, For all 1,073 people to see. Plus me. Number one thousand seventy-four:

“I'm supposed to be married, but I called it off I've been known to throw a tantrum When things are not the way l imagine them”

Phoebe.

Well,

“The funny thing is, I would have married you If you’d have stuck around”

Lizzie.

Funny. The perfect response. It’s been stuck in my head all day.

It’d be so simple to hate you. But I know you too well; But I love you too much.

I wish you’d love me like that.

I was one of two people who knew you like that. I don’t want you to lose that. I just want to go home.

I’ll give it back if you let me go home.

I don’t want an empty home. The one I grew up in. The one without you.

Take me home, my love, please take me home. I trusted you to take me home.

I can’t do that anymore. I wish you were brave enough to tell me why.

I didn’t want to heal. She says the distance she imposed— She said that it’d benefit me.

You don’t get to say you did me a service by choosing yourself. Do you understand?

I already asked you that. You said yes. You did it anyway.

If I get through this, I do it in spite of you, Not because. Not because of you.

If I get through this, it’s because my therapist checked her work phone. At 10pm. And called me. For free.

I didn’t even get a hug.

You got lucky that I didn’t let that break me. I won’t let you say you helped me.

Why'd you have to tell me you still loved me.

You were selfish. Own it.

You were right, though. We were never going to work. You were never willing to make it happen.

But no. What you did, Did not help me. And I know it didn’t. Because I have already forgotten how much I care about you.

I don’t care about you anymore. Do you get that? You took that away from me.

I’m here if you’re ever willing to help me remember. I wish I could do it on my own. It hurts too much to try. It hurts too much to try. I get it now, I’m sorry.

15 minutes. So quick.

I loved you. I loved you enough to try to hate you. 15 minutes. I don’t care anymore.

I was afraid to move on. I didn’t know why. I think maybe, subconsciously, I knew my brain would make me lose you. It has a way of making me hurt a little less. At least for a bit.

“I don’t think I can leave room for her to come back And get through the grief I have at the same time.”

That’s what I said. On the call. To my therapist.

I was right. I feel no grief. I feel nothing.

This is what I feared. I am exactly where I feared I would be.

I am stuck. But oddly it feels nice. I guess I was trying to protect us. I was never afraid to heal. I was afraid to do it without you. I really wish you hadn’t taken that from me. It hurts so much. Five and a half months. Down the drain.

I tried to text you. To tell you I hoped you remembered the good.

I don’t remember the good. I can’t care about you. Why did you take that from me? My right to care about you. To care for you.

But I lied. I can care about you. It just hurts too much.

I used to love you; Even when it hurt: I can’t love a woman.

You always hated the church. I never hated you.

I finally took off my outfit that I put on last morning. And the necklace I got to match your tattoo. I’m glad I never got that tattoo.

I used to be scared to stop caring. You made me scared to care.

I can’t care about you. Not peacefully. Why did you take that from me? My right to care about you. To care for you peacefully.

I’d still get that tattoo.

I’m not assuming you regret anything. I hope you do. I just don’t want shame, Or fear of my reaction To be the reason you never realize you have something to say.

I went to set my alarm for tomorrow. For 10AM. I went to set my alarm for tomorrow. 10:50AM - “Call Claire”

Thursday, 8/27/26

I woke up again and remembered. It was so nice to forget

I want to say I'm better off without you. But I can’t.

I saw your story four minutes after you posted it. I feel sick.

Why do I check it? I woke up at 10. It's 10:12. I wish it were Tuesday, September 1st. It’s not.

I hate you, And now I kind of mean it.

But only because I was stupid enough to let you hurt me. I feel sick.

My stomach is eating at me. I didn’t eat yesterday. I wish I ate yesterday. No I don’t. You were eating the food out of my fridge in my dream last night. I was angry. And probably hungry. I miss it. We had kids. They helped you do it. They helped you get through it.

My parents bought me that ice cream. They had at the Spinx. Twelve dollars a pint. We’d go there together.

It’s fifteen here.

I tried to make you try it. You wouldn’t. You already had something sweet that day. That’s what you said.

“I’ll be your honey If you’ll be sweet” That’s what you said.

You used to be my honey. I’m sorry I wasn’t sweet. Sweet: The Nancys.

Last night I didn’t care. I care again.

I wish I never met you. No I don’t.

I’d do it again. Not the same way.

I stopped caring again.

I’m glad it’s over. I wish you the best. No I didn’t. Yes I did. No I’m not. No I don’t. Come back to me. I miss you.

I don’t miss this version of you.

Thanks for making this easier. Thanks for being an asshole. I’m glad I'm free of her. Of Asshole Claire

Fuck her.

I wish I could send this to her. I wish I could send this to you. I don’t think you’d read it.

The last time you responded to the videos I sent was August 11th. You ended it on August 25th.

You never called me. You barely even answered. Not in the literal sense. You picked up the phone. But you weren’t there.

I wish you’d stop hurting yourself. I wish you could tell me I was hurting you.

You just weren’t ready. Why did you tell me you were? Because you believed it. Why did you stop believing?

Everyone keeps asking me if you cheated. I know you didn’t. You wouldn’t. You couldn’t. I won’t forget that.

I wish you loved me as much as you did on August 14th. Why did you stop believing?

I’m going crazy. “Hey, you’re single in New Jersey” I don’t feel single. I never believed in “ethical non-monogamy”

Why did you have to stop believing. Fine. I’ll stop believing too. I don’t, Claire. I don’t care. I don’t claire.

I used to say “I love you. You’re perfect. Don’t change” You’d respond “I love you. You’re perfect. I’ll love you as you change. I’ll change with you”

I miss that version of you. I guess I was right not to want you to change.

You said you didn’t want me to change for you. Now you’re forcing me to. You wouldn’t let me when I wanted to. Why are you so damn stubborn. Why is everything on your own damn terms. Damn it. Why’d you have to stop believing? I don’t have to hide the polaroid anymore. Now I want to.

Sometimes I read poems on instagram Playing the songs that you post on your story. Not on purpose. The poet thought they fit the meaning, I guess.

I’m dying. That’s what this is. It must be.

I don’t remember what shirt I gave you, but I want it back. I’ll lie. I’ll say it was my favorite. You know I’d hate to lie.

I’m glad you’re getting space. I feel suffocated.

I finally left my room. For the first time in days. I hadn’t gotten used to this hallway yet. It feels like I teleported. Maybe I can teleport to you. If I try hard enough.

Maybe I can let you go. Maybe I can do this. If I try hard enough.

I’ve started holding doors open for strangers. Longer than normal. Longer than people think acceptable. They thank me. They don’t mean it. They don’t know me. You knew me. You didn’t thank me.

I’m in the lunchroom I hate salad you knew that I hate cake. That one’s new.

I saw a girl with short pink hair. I thought she was you. That was stupid.

You liked how I took care of my hair. I don’t do that anymore.

I’m wearing a hat today. You hated when I did that.

Some girl got her necklace at Claire's

Montclair

CLAIR, clair, claire. I miss your e. It gave me clarity. Clarifying conditioner. That’s what our teacher would say. You loved her. Then later, You hated her.

I don’t want that to happen to me.

Why’d I have to choose Montclair. I drove down Claremont street the other day. Both close. No cigar.

You started drinking. That scares me. I love you. Please don’t hurt yourself.

Pasta salad. It’s warm. Strange. I had a bite or two. It's good. I’m done now.

I’m trying to make friends Like you wanted me to. These people make me think of you.

One was telling a story about the gluten free bar I miss your family

One talks about the stage fright they get. It’s only when they sing. I miss your voice.

I couldn’t stay.

I never thought I’d let a breakup affect me this way. I never thought I’d have to experience one. You told me I wouldn’t.

I walked up to the top of the parking garage. Don’t get the wrong idea.

You let me take pictures of you there once. Not this one. A twelve hour drive.

I was going to save money to visit you on your birthday. Now I have nothing to save for.

The handles were gross. I barely made it to the top of the stairs without passing out. You’d always help me up the stairs. I’d always almost pass out.

The fifth floor had two cars The sixth floor had one. The seventh had none.

The eighth had one.

As soon as I eat I have to shit again.

But now I’m at the top of the parking garage. I’m in section C4 just across B4. Claire, You exploded my life. I want to go back. Take me back. I should’ve taken the damn elevator.

It’s nice up here. Windy.

I’m crying.

I’m crying on top of the parking garage so no one will see me. So I can see everyone. I don’t want to start over. It would have been so much easier with you. I look down. The concrete is wet. It just rained. But that’s not why. It’s a sad day today. Not because you’re gone. You know what I mean. I always told you when it was a sad day. You always made the sad go away. Most parts of life were enjoyable before you. Every part was enjoyable with you.

I relied too much on that. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I look down. The ground is wet. But this time it is because of rain. More wet than my tears could ever make it. Inconsequential.

Lightning struck. Then thunder.

You weren’t there to comfort me. I was so brave with you. I had something to protect

I’m so high up. I’ve never heard anything so loud. Nothing scared me so much

Except maybe your voice: Last Tuesday, August 25th 2026.

I left the parking garage. I didn’t know lightning could be so close. But I did. I told you about it. A few days back. “What if lightning Is just the sky Reaching for its lover, the ground, And realizing it can only hurt.”

I said, “What if lightning Is just the sky Imitating its lover, the ground. Its trees. And realizing it’s too angry and upside down to do it right.”

You said “Yes.” "I like that.” “That must be it.”

You are my sky. I wish I could ground you.

I never would have sat on the ground of a parking garage.

You would’ve done it. I would’ve told you to get up. “You have to outlive me,” I’d say.

I don’t care anymore.

You took away my care. You took away my Claire.

I’m back outside. It was a quick storm. Scary. Intense.

It took away my control. You.

It’s sprinkling now. I could cry that much I think. Consequential.

There’s a bug hanging around. I’d usually kill it. It's nice company. A lightning bug. It looks nothing like a firefly. This one won’t wreck my life.

It would have been 177 days today. That’s what my home screen says.

It feels like when someone dies. And you keep celebrating their birthday. I’ll cry when it reaches 200.

I’ll cry when I reach 178.

I finally changed your name in my phone. Like I said I would.

The day before. I changed my homescreen too. Reminders of me with you.

I changed it back. Not even a day. Not even a day later. Your name is still changed, though. I go by my last name now. It hurts too much to be called what you used to call me. But it still feels foreign. Everything is foreign. I feel like I am on a different planet. Or I was just born. I don’t remember how I got here. I just know it was with you. I miss your car. I want everything back. That flower I made you. My love for you. But it’s yours now. My ankles hurt going down the stairs. My body is disintegrating. Before it was easier to jump emotionally. End it. Now physically. I’d reach the bottom so much quicker. Such a stupid reason. I’d never do it. I couldn’t do that to you. To Myself.

Just thought it ironic.

I see six cars on floor five. So close to symmetry.

Forty on floor four. Too many to count on level three. I reach level two.

I guess level one was underground. I don’t think there was an elevator.

I have somewhere to be.

I’ll be there fifteen minutes early. I learned that from you. It used to be one or two. At the most. I don’t know what direction Blindly following my phone. Apparently I’m headed in the right direction. Doesn’t feel like it. I always thought that was toward you.

Maybe I’ll be there thirteen minutes early. Unlucky.

All the buildings are white with red roofs. Sometimes I think that they’re you. Stupid.

You were white. With red hair. Pink. Close enough. Stupid.

“The right side of my neck Still smells like you.”

Faye.

I hope you still sleep with my shirt. And smell my perfume.

Webster.

On Webster Rd.— I almost went to Webster.

My legs are shaking You used to worry about me when they did that. I probably look crazy. I miss when you worried about me. Or I miss when I felt it.

I might try to play card games later. We never really did that much together. And if we did then I’ll choose to forget. Your brother loved card games. No he didn’t. I won’t let him.

I loved you. You were perfect. I was perfect. You changed. You are perfect. I was perfect. I forgot to change with you.

I’m chewing that gum I got for you.

Someone said they remembered my name because they were laughing at me kicking my legs in their head.

I had to try so hard not to cry.

I think I can do this. I can do this. I love you. Goodbye. … Hi.

I let the door close behind me this time. I felt bad.

I forgot to charge my watch last night. No I didn’t. I didn’t want to. I keep trying to check the time.

I wish you knew why you stopped believing.

I’m not wearing a necklace. My chest looks empty. Probably because it is. Why’d you have to take my heart?

“The sound of the saw Must be known by the tree”

Hozier.

I’m a tree. I didn’t know the sound of the saw. Yes I did. I ignored it. I knew the sound of the saw. I ignored it.

I wish I could stop writing to you obsessively. I am writing on paper as not to be rude. I still write my a’s like you taught me to.

There are spirals on the front of my notebook. Permanent marker. Isopropyl alcohol? Later. I drew them while thinking of you. You drew them on me too. I wish I’d gotten them as a tattoo.

I think I’ll go to the library later. Find a monologue to do. I want to be someone who’s not thinking of you.

I almost wrote one of my old a’s. But my brain corrected it before I knew. You would’ve hated the music I'm watching the guest speaker dance to.

You used to tell me not to bite my nails. Now you don’t have to. It makes me think of you. I don’t want that. But under my nails, I feel lost pieces of you.

I’ve been in this room for 42 minutes. I swear it’s only been 5.

I wish our relationship weren’t so ephemeral. A word you used to use. I had to look it up every time. And I did this time too.

If you knew seeing my face would change your mind, then maybe it was meant to.

Another one. Short pink hair. They’re wearing green and blue. and flowers. This time, I didn't think she was you.

Eli has 4 of the same shirt. You made fun of me for that.

I hope I never stop writing my a’s like you.

Someone got food poisoning. That’d freak you out. You’d ask them where they ate. You’d add it to your list

I’m back at the top of the parking garage. The trek nearly killed me.

It’s still a sad day. But not because of the sky.

…You were my sky.

The wind keeps blowing open the damn door. It freaks me out when it closes. It’s not loud. Just sudden.

I tried doing my monologue. On the top of the parking garage. I cried. It was a comedy.

You never gave me your copy of the flick. I’m still supposed to read that.

There’s a tear on my leg. I can’t feel it. The bug’s still here I can feel it.

Why couldn’t you be like the damn bug

I’ll never show you this parking garage. I won’t let you infect it.

No matter how much I wish you were here.

Please come back.

I love you, my dear.

The last time I saw you, I memorized what it was to kiss you. To hold you. You fit more perfectly in my arms than I could have ever imagined.

There are a bunch of suicide prevention posters at the top of the parking garage

It's funny.

There’s a 10 foot fence around the perimeter.

I’m walking back down.

There’s still no elevator.

I don’t look up when I cross the street anymore.

My jaw hurts. I finally threw away that gum.

I cried while calling my friend. She was angry at you. It’s so hard to have no one to hug.

I felt so alone.

A stranger asked me if I was okay. I told my friend I’d call her back. She gave me a hug, her ear, and some advice.

And then a slice of pizza, a hug and some lollipops.

She told me she was proud of me for trying to make friends. At lunch today.

She gave me a friend.

I’ll make some more for her.

I realized I’m trying to grieve in the way most convenient for you. Fuck that.

If you want to come back, Earn it. That’s not my job. I can’t earn it for you.

You chose yourself.

Someone’s gotta choose me.

Thank you, Leah

Friday, August 28th. 12:12AM

The vending machines are nicer here. It’s hard not to get peanut butter m&m’s

It’s day 178.

I haven’t cried yet.

I’m going to wake up soon, but I’m not ready for that

It’s weird. Not to grieve for someone else.

Because of them, yes. I feel much lighter.

I let go of that weight No one was forcing me to bear.

I never let myself be important. Maybe someday I will.

I didn’t play cards. Your brother can have that back.

11:03am

I woke up. I wished I hadn’t. I forgot to sign a document. I was supposed to by 9:00am.

I was too busy thinking about you to remember I guess.

I’m not sad. But my heart doesn’t believe me. But my stomach doesn’t believe me.

It feels like I'm dying. In my chest.

It feels like I can't eat.

I tried to go back to sleep, But I forgot to do it before I remembered.

Everyone keeps telling me that this is for the better, But that means you’re right.

It’s funny… Even when I think of finding someone else, It’s just another version of you.

I might go back to the parking garage. I might look for the elevator. Find it. Choose not to take it.

It’s nice to feel hurt by something other than you.

It’s nice to feel unable to breathe when it’s not your fault.

Yes, I like that That must be it.

11:49am

It’s funny to have timestamps. Before I never took a break.

I wonder if your family misses me. You said they loved me. But you said you loved me too.

I blocked her last night. I hoped it would stop the obsession. Remember Obsession(2026)? I’ll be your Nikki If you’ll be my Bear. I hated seeing her happy. I want her to be happy. Not yet.

I want to show this to her one day. She probably won’t read it. It’s not fair. I had to live it. I wish you’d read it.

I took my medicine. I guess I'll be up late tonight. Again.

I charged my watch last night. I don’t think I'll wear it today.

My mattress topper keeps falling off the side of the bed.

I guess there will be fake bed again. You’ll never know it. It’ll never trick you.

My hair looks good today. Messy But good. I won’t wear a hat.

12:25pm

I held the door open for someone The right amount of time.

I’m at the top of the parking garage. I found the elevator. I am out of breath.

Level 5 was full today.

I didn’t hold the handrails this time.

The bug is gone. I can feel it.

I saw it on the way up. Dead.

I saw its brother, too. And mother. And grandma. And uncle. Maybe some of its friends. Alive.

None of them are the right bug, though.

I guess you were like the damn bug.

Maybe I’ll shower today.

Yes, I like that That must be it.

It’s beautiful up here. My camera feels useless.

It’s sunny. No sad days to report.

My body is weak. I haven’t eaten. I brought some snacks with me. No peanut butter m&ms I never liked those.

No wind today. I brought my jacket for nothing.

12:42pm

I’m taking the elevator down.

I don’t want my ankles to hurt.

Yes, I like that That must be it.

My phone looked up the bug for me.

A Spotted Lanternfly. Oddly close.

“Kill it on site.”

That freaked me out. I’m scared of bugs again.

Invasive apparently. Just like the damn bug.

The elevator is taking its time.

I walked down a flight. The elevator stopped taking its time.

It says there is no first floor.

12:56pm

Someone held the door open for me. That’s new. They said you’re welcome before I thanked them.

I can see again. When I first wake up I can’t see.

Maybe I’ll use my eyes when I cross the street next time.

1:10pm

I’ve started to sew my life back together. I never sewed up that hole in your bag. I’ll still do it if you send it to me.

I don’t really miss you right now. I will later.

If I missed you I would throw your bag away.

I quite like writing this poem.

Weirdly it’s the only thing I have that doesn’t feel connected to you. Maybe because I did it for me. Funny. You said poems were your thing.

You said you hated popsockets. I might mail mine to you.

I want to drink apple juice, But we haven’t had sex. I haven’t won yet.

I put a bottle in the fridge. Maybe later.

I cleaned out a cup before I filled it up.

I’m starting to like my last name. Maybe I’ll keep it.

I lied before. I’d always wanted to go by it.

It wasn't what I thought it’d be, Repetitive. I blamed it on you. Maybe I’d have changed my last name to yours. Kept my last as my first. Maybe it was you.

3:56pm

I’m sorry for blocking you. But not really.

I’m sorry it hurt you. That’s true.

But I’d do it again.

I said I would. You know I hate to lie.

You blocked me back. I thought that was funny. Three of my accounts. I have five. I thought that was funny.

I can still find your “secret garden (aka the spam)” I thought that was funny.

Thanks for telling me you care. Even sloppily.

Yes. I like that. That must be it.

5:18pm

My stomach burns. I had a bag of chips. Funyuns. A glass of juice. Apple.

6:40

Maybe one day I’ll believe I’m better off without you.

7:06

My roommate is pouring bottled water into her water bottle again. I told you about that. You didn’t laugh. Why didn’t you laugh?

7:19

I have to shit again. That damn apple juice.

7:20pm

I think maybe this is the first time I’ve had nothing to say. I’ll see you Tuesday. (And probably later today).

7:53pm

Hey, I'm back.

I asked if we could be friends. Friends. Phoebe. You loved Lisa Kudrow. You said I don’t know.

I’ve decided I don’t really want to be your friend. I love my friends. I don’t think I can change how I love you. If I told you I could love you platonically, I think I’d be lying. You know I’d hate to lie. I’m here if you ever change your mind. I hope you’ll be there if and when I change mine.

11:40pm

I almost made it. Day 178. I cried. I realized I can’t tell you good night. I realized I hadn’t told you good night. Or good morning. It’s been a couple of days. I’d never missed those before. I cried. “goodnight.”

Saturday, August 29th 12:06am

Good morning

I didn’t shower yesterday.

My roommate just left the room. Strange. Late… early.

I think she’s an only child. I’m an only child. I don’t act like her.

I’m almost out of my anti-depressant. I’ll have to go to the pharmacy today. I’ve never done that before.

Oh. I’ve done that before. I did that with you. Once.